Monday, 05 May 2008
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update on the fam, my thoughts on surgery...ramblings really...
Sorry I'm not updating like I should. Tee ball and the school year ending and just life in general is so busy.
Chris and I cleaned the whole house yesterday and it feels soooo good! We're not knick-knack/clutter people so more than anything it was just doing laundry, putting away dishes, and getting rid of the kiddie clutter. Lots of toys found their home back in the playroom. Nice.
Gracie got to third base at tee ball before her team had three outs. This is progress! She still skips to first base, which is definitely not really a competitive edge, but she tries her hardest out there and I am proud of her. She smells like strawberry lip gloss and has started carrying a purse pretty much all the time. My little mini me!
Trinity's had a language explosion! She says everything now, she will repeat and we can actually tell what she's saying about 70% of the time. =) My favorite thing right now is when she says "I sorry" and hugs her sister. So sweet.
I freaked out last night about my reconstruction. There's this moment of the process that terrifies me more than anything else, it's the waking up from surgery. When I am still drowsy from the anesthesia and the nurse comes and lays her cold hand on my arm and says in a disturbing, urgent, irritating kind of way, "Kari? Can you hear me? Wake up, you're in recovery. We are done with your surgery." My eyes open and I become aware of my surroundings. And then the pain becomes intolerable. I cry because it hurts so bad. I regret waking up, but they won't let me close my eyes. They ask me ridiculous questions like "do you know where you are? and on a scale of 1-10, what's your pain level?" I answer "in the hospital and 12." Monitors beep out of my line of sight and nurses bustle around me, preparing to move me into the next room to see my family. I want to see them, but I'm torn between facing them and the pain or being in heaven with God. Believe me it is a struggle. Because the pain is intolerable and nothing, not even my precious family could compare to how wonderful it would be to just be rid of this body and this pain. I do carry on, I will recover-- but the road ahead is long and full of agony. I have to believe it's worth it or I wouldn't opt to do the surgery. But it's still scary, much scarier to me than any of the previous treatments. I don't know why, that's just how I feel.
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Comments (2)
Just stopped by to say hi!
I KNOW what you mean about the waking up from surgery. I've had several surgeries before my mastectomy and it was like that every time. I hate it that your so nervous about the reconstruction. I've decided not to do it. They told me I couldn't after I had radiation anyway and I wasn't thrilled about reconstruction options before so I'll just stick with my pretty prosthetic boobies. :) How long has it been since you had treatment? What was your original diagnosis? What treatments did you have?
Its good to have another friend who knows what this is all about.